one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
You Might Also Like
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
*crawls into windowless creeper van*
One kidnapping, please.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Me: I got a job interview next week.
Wife: Great news. You should update your wardrobe.
Me: Okay.. *to the wardrobe* I got a job interview next week.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :