one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
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Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Jill: Hey, wanna help me get some water?
Jack: Ya, sure, I mean what’s the worst that could happen?
“Morning guys”
“HOLY SHIT IT’S SUPERMAN!”
– Clark Kent’s first day at work wearing contact lenses
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
DIVING INSTRUCTOR: Does anyone know how to defend a shark attack?
ME: I would say the shark was just acting on instinct & couldn’t help it
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”