I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
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Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
“I maul out of love” – Bear Supply
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.