The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
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Meow
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Seems a bit forward
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
Justin Bieber breaks up with Selena Gomez… the same week Black Ops 2 comes out? Good call Justin.
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.