if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
You Might Also Like
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms