I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
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My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail