You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
You Might Also Like
Lesser known historical fact: Abraham Lincoln’s hat was so tall because he kept an upright Chipotle burrito in there
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
How actors in movies eat their food
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
incredible text to wake up to
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
peeping toms
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I’m confused about plants
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this