*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
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If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
synchronized noseblowing
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.