You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Dude acted like he’s never seen a guy eating a rotisserie chicken in the hotel sauna before.
Doctor: how did you hurt your back?
Me: well, I was lying in bed …
Doctor: and?
Me: that’s it
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Mountain Goat : )
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[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.