You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
You Might Also Like
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I was just in Italy telling Rihanna how I hate when people lie to appear cool
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
Sign of the day..
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.