You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
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It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
i installed a ceiling fan in my room
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Remember kids, you only burn in hell if you are religious.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man