At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
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Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.