*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
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Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
If I’d been around in France when Marie Antoinette said “let them eat cake,” I would’ve been like “wait a minute, let’s hear this lady out.”
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Sometimes I get my Twitter app and my Tinder app confused. I know now that talking about skin suits to prospective dates is not “funny”.
Officer: Ma’am we take these complaints very seriously so we do need to search your home.
Me: But not the basement, right?
I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Some people like pineapple on pizza and some people like pizza on pineapple
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that