All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
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A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Pro-tip Ladies, try to refrain from plucking that one crazy hair from his nose while he’s sleeping. He won’t think it’s as funny as you do.
Me: don’t do it
Brain: GONNA DO IT
Me: I’m driving
Brain: HERE IT COMES
Me: there’s oncoming traffic
Brain: REALLY WELLING UP NOW
Me: you’re going to kill us both
Brain: DO THE WEIRD FACE FIRST
Me: *pre sneeze face*
Brain: THIS AMUSES ME
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
A polite way to call someone’s baby ugly is to say “Oh. He looks just like you.”
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.