I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
You Might Also Like
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Friend: *finger guns*
Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
“and how does that make you feel?”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.