imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
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Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.