Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
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Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
🤣😈🤣
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this