I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
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A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
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Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!