I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
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When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.