(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
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Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
i want it utterly assaulted.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Barbie gone wild
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
The Sun’s probably Asian.
me: there’s a bunch of cars following us
date: yes we’re on a rollercoaster
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
If you occasionally blow on your bourbon during a Zoom meeting, the other folks will think you’re enjoying a hot cup of tea.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.