(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
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new app: may we send you notifications?
me: sure
app: *sends notification*
me: oh hell no
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn’t exist.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.