When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
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Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
Catering service
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?
Women: 9:45am on Monday at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene are really unnecessary.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.