coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
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“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Google assistant rules
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.