ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
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Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.