Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
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If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Breaking news:
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
I normally have a decent sense of direction but when I leave the exam room at a doctor’s office and have to find my way to the exit I’m suddenly Harry Potter in the Hedge Maze
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.