If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
You Might Also Like
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!
Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
you gotta be faster
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Just parrot things
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….