My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
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Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?