I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
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[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
She asked if I had lost my mind. It’s nice to know that there’s some doubt.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
I feel seen
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
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