Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
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Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Breaking news:
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM**Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂