I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
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“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
awkward
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
How do I know it will be a full moon tonight?
Exhibit A and Exhibit B.*points to 2 ferocious beasts who keep calling me “mom”*
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.