my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
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I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
all that yoga finally paid off