There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
This makes total sense…
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
Creams that smell like fruit play with your brain.
Tempted to eat my own leg.
Smells like mango, but would probably taste like rare steak.
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club