@morethanMI5

*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?

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@RS3Feed

I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.

@FranksGrapjes

1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.

@stoicsapphic

Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology

@noog

*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”

@E_lok44

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

@C0leRandall

Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.

@STRIKINGxVIKING

“If you love something, set it free…”

Unless it’s a man…

Cause he’ll get lost…

And you know he won’t ask for directions…

@NintenDom

Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.

@mrjohndarby

[after sex]
her: you were really loud

me: *putting down my trombone* yep