*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
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a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
my dog when i have a friend over
I love all my children equally, I steal the same number of fries from each one
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…