My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
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ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
#StillHurts
Oh boy, $150,000!
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
The opposite of goth is stopth.