me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*QuicksandWhat I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Forever 21… pounds overweight
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.