“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
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Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
[robber breaks into my house] i always knew you’d come for me, my darling. where are you going
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
robbed a bank just to hear someone call me a person of interest
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.