The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
[labels account “18+”]
[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
I’m trying to convince my boss that “ffs” is short for
“For faster service”
so I can put
“What do you need now, ffs”
in all my emails
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.