The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I just ran a .003048K
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 😳
Bluetick 1: I know 😂 that’s just Twitter though isn’t it 🙄
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love❤️
Bluetick 1: ❤️
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me: Give me a minute
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch