The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?…”
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Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog: