She is very cute, has great energy! 馃槀
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I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won鈥檛 be in Paris.
The news
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I鈥檝e been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I鈥檝e been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there鈥檚 no difference
5-year-old: Dad, can you make the rain go away?
Me: Someone more powerful than me controls the weather.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Mom?
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
dutch so unserious
Me: what鈥檚 in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
describing stardew valley
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
As a teacher, you鈥檙e sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl鈥檚 face.
I then confiscated the phone as it鈥檚 against rules to have it out in the corridor.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you鈥檙e not on a date with him, you鈥檙e spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Have kids so they make you buy stuff to make for their YouTube channel that doesn鈥檛 exist.
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.