were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
You Might Also Like
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”