Me in my 20s: SEVEN MORE SHOTS AND THEN TACO BELL!
Me in my 40s: I have moderate hip pain & I believe I may have swallowed some hair
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Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Jogging has never helped my memory.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
*wakes up screaming*
Wife: What happened??
Me: I had a dream that I’m jogging and a leopard wearing clown makeup with wings just flew out of a cave and attacked me.
Wife: Silly that’s impossible.
Me: The flying leopard part?
Wife: No, the part about you jogging.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.