I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
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Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
What?!?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs