Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
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Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.