Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
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McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Telling everyone I’m premed…
(short for premeditating their murder)
If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.