you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
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Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
[texting]
Me: I’m over IT.
Friend: Over what?
Me: You know…IT.
Friend: IT is a pronoun that could mean anything.
Me: IT as in Information Technology.
Friend: You CAN’T be over that.
[1 week later]
Me, via handwritten letter: Well, I am.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”