you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
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*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
How dare you just go on the internet and make a post specifically about you and your situation. Don’t you know other people have situations????
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
I just said “Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary. Bloody Mary” to the mirror hoping that I’d have someone new to talk to
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture