Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
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Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary numberDaughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Welcome to parenthood. You never thought you’d want to fight a 5yo, but here we are.
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!