8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
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Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
@funTweeters I am at your service….
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
#RuinABandNameWithOneLetter
Mullet For My Valentine
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
“Haiku is 5 syllables, 7 syllables, then 5 syllables”
No, it’s literally 2 syllables
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”