“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
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4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room