thanksgiving should be called feaster
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Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
SAURON: I shall create three rings for the elves, seven for the dwarf lords and nine for mortal men
HOBBITS: wow ok none for us cool
SAURON: and thus I shall have dominion over all the civilised races of middle earth
HOBBITS: WOW
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”