I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
why isn’t he texting back
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.