HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
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*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
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BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
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When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.