It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
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“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
me working on my assignments ^-^
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Sign of the day..
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?