Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
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I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
how to have fun when you’re poor
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
my one true gender
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”