I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
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People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the Moon, and follow them up with “Ah, I guess you had to be there.”
Someone called me
yesterday and said,
“Hello, is this Ross”
I said ” no it’s Chandler”
And they hung up.So much for trying to
be Friends.
I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.