I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
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I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
The only times I go for a jog is when there’s a cute guy in front of me or a creepy guy behind me.
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?