My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
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I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure